when i say "i'm just tired"

i really mean: "I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED"

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day fourteen | the turns we took

the last day



we take lots of turns in life,
not knowing where they will take us;
but each turn leads us somewhere:
- to here -
to where we are,
now

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day thirteen | yesterday's tomorrow

trudging slowly over wet sand...

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day twelve | sweet memory

"...Came running from nowhere fast,
came stumbling at me through the dark..."



'sweet memory' from
'waiting for the moon'
by tindersticks

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day eleven | my sister

'my sister' from the second tindersticks album

"...Do you remember my sister? How many mistakes did she make with those never blinking eyes? I couldn't work it out. I swear she could read your mind, your life, the depths of your soul at one glance. Maybe she was stripping herself away, saying: "Here I am, this is me, I am yours and everything about me, everything you see, if only you look hard enough". I never could.

Our life was a pillow-fight. We'd stand there on the quilt, our hands clenched ready. Her with her milky teeth, so late for her age, and a Stanley knife in her hand. She sliced the tyres on my bike and I couldn't forgive her.

She went blind at the age of five. We'd stand at the bedroom window and she'd get me to tell her what I saw. I'd describe the houses opposite, the little patch of grass next to the path, the gate with its rotten hinges forever wedged open that Dad was always going to fix. She'd stand there quiet for a moment. I thought she was trying to develop the images in her own head. Then she'd say:


"I can see little twinkly stars,
like Christmas tree lights in faraway windows.
Rings of brightly coloured rocks
floating around orange and mustard planets.
I can see huge tiger striped fishes
chasing tiny blue and yellow dashes,
all tails and fins and bubbles."
I'd look at the grey house opposite, and close the curtains.

She burned down the house when she was ten. I was away camping with the scouts. The fireman said she'd been smoking in bed - the old story, I thought. The cat and our Mum died in the flames, so Dad took us to stay with our Aunt in the country. He went back to London to find us a new house. We never saw him again.

On her thirteenth birthday she fell down the well in our Aunt's garden and broke her head. She'd been drinking heavily. On her recovery her sight returned, a fluke of nature everyone said. That's when she said she'd never blink again. I would tell her when she stared at me, with her eyes wide and watery, that they reminded me of the well she fell into. She liked this, it made her laugh.

She moved in with a gym teacher when she was fifteen, all muscles he was. He lost his job when it all came out, and couldn't get another one. Not in that kind of small town. Everybody knew everyone else's business. My sister would hold her head high, though. She said she was in love. They were together for five years until one day he lost his temper. He hit over the back of the neck with his bullworker. She lost the use of the right side of her body. He got three years and was out in fifteen months. We saw him a while later, he was coaching a non-league football team in a Cornwall seaside town. I don't think he recognized her. My sister had put on a lot of weight from being in a chair all the time. She'd get me to stick pins and stub out cigarettes in her right hand. She'd laugh like mad because it didn't hurt. Her left hand was pretty good though. We'd have arm wrestling matches, I'd have to use both arms and she'd still beat me.

We buried her when she was 32. Me and my Aunt, the vicar, and the man who dug the hole. She said she didn't want to be cremated and wanted a cheap coffin so the worms could get to her quickly. She said she liked the idea of it, though I thought it was because of what happened to the cat, and our Mum..."

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day ten | no more affairs

plus de liaisons


from the second tindersticks album

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day nine | chilitetime

... I'm here, I've got this feeling now
but it'll never stay long, it'll never stay long

I'm here, no matter how hard I try
I can never forget, the reasons why ...



... you say you've got a love, got a love to set you free

I've got a smile that says "I'm feeling good;
you know I'm feeling good, you know I'm feeling good" ...


from 'can our love...' by tindersticks

another week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day eight | jism

the deeper I go, the further I fall



from the first tindersticks album

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day seven | mistakes

... mistakes I've made ... these days ...



from the second album by
tindersticks

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day six | talk to me

talk to me darling, before you throw it away ...



from the second album by
tindersticks

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day five | i was dressed for success, but success it never comes

a blank screen is quite apt in this instance



"... I was dressed for success
but success it never comes
and I'm the only one who laughs
at your jokes when they are so bad
and your jokes are always bad
but they're not as bad as this

come join us in a prayer
we'll be waiting, waiting where?
everything's ending here

and all the sterile striking it defends
an empty deck you cast away
and rain upon your forehead
where the mist's for hire if you just let it clear
let's spend our last quarter stance randomly
go down to the outlet once again

painted portraits of minions and slaves
crotch mavens and one act plays
are they the only ones who laugh
at the jokes when they are so bad?
and the jokes are always bad
but they're not as bad as this

come join us in a prayer
we'll be waiting waiting where?
everything's ending here

and all the spanish candles unsold
have gone away to day
and a "run-on piece of mount on"
trembles, shivers, runs down the freeway
I guess she spent her last quarter randomly
I guess a guess is the best of me ..."

'Here' by Pavement
covered by Tindersticks

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day four | the edges of our love are in the stars

"... the edges of our love are in the stars ..."



'My Oblivion' from
'Waiting for the Moon' by
Tindersticks

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day three | city sickness

"...the centre of things, from where everything stems,
is not where I belong..."


'City Sickness' from the first
Tindersticks album

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day two | another night in

"..tears swell, you don't know why..."



"Another Night In"
from 'Curtains'
by Tindersticks

a week with the tindersticks | an irregular series | day one | a night in

... I had shoes full of holes when you first took me in ...



"a night in"

from the second tindersticks album

see a live version here

there is a light ...

... that never goes out



"... Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
Who are young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore.

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and
I want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home,
It's their home, and
I'm welcome no more.

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care

And in the darkened underpass
I thought "Oh God, my chance has come at last"
(But then a strange fear gripped me and
I just couldn't ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one,
I haven't got one

Oh

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out

There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out ..."

what was in our eyes

"... Say, Billy Budd
So you think that you should?
Oh, everyone's laughing
Say, Billy Budd
So you think that you should?
Everyone's laughing

Since I took up with you

Things have been bad
Yeah, but now it's 12 years on
Now it's 12 years on
Yes and I took up with you

I took my job application into town
Did you hear they turned me down?
Yes, and it's all because of us
Oh, and what was in our eyes
Oh, what was in our eyes, yeah

I say, Billy Budd
I would happily lose
Both of my legs
I would lose both of my legs
Oh, if it meant you could be free
Oh, if it meant you could be free ..."

[don't leave us in the dark]

'Billy Budd' by Morrissey

spending warm summer days indoors

...Spending warm summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg...


Morrissey singing 'Ask' on his 50th birthday

I can have both

either/or, or both/and ... ? The eternal infernal dilemma. I wonder if there's no need to choose, if ... I can have both?



"...Staring in the window of the shop that never opens
Planning my selection from all the treats inside
Should I take as I desire - well shall I, shall I ?
Or should I hang around to be enticed inside ?

I'm trying to explain to myself
I can have both
I'm trying to explain to the voice inside
I can have both
I can have both
And there's nobody around to say no
Who've brain-washed the small shy boy inside
He doesn't know he can have both

Smiling through the window to the one who never serves you
I've not been feeling myself tonight
Should I take as I feel like it - well shall I, shall I ?
Or should I wait and hope to be dragged inside ?
Oh ...

I'm trying to explain to you
I can have both
I'm trying to explain to the voice inside
I can have both
I can have both
And there's nobody around to say no
Who've brain-washed the small shy boy inside
He doesn't know he can have both

I can have both
There's no need to choose
Because
I can have both
There's no need to choose
I can have both
There's no need to choose
Because
I can have both
There's no need to choose
I can have both
There's no need to choose ..."

you should have been nice to me

New on the re-issue of 'Southpaw Grammar'
by Morrissey:



"...You could have told me
At the right time
You could have introduced me proudly
Never need to have to kiss me
Never need to ever touch me
But

You should have been nice to me
You should have been nice to me
It would have been so easy

And on the moments
When I was down
You could have been there
You could have been there
You could have once just spoke in favour
You'd never need to ever touch me
But

You should have been nice to me
You should have been nice to me
It wouldn't cost you money

And on the moments
When I fell down
Not for you to say 'oh I told you so'
You could have waited
You could have waited
You could have
waited..."

i have of late

No One Can Hold A Candle To You

"...Say farewell to your fairweathered friends
And not a second too soon
To leave a life among ruins
Well there was nothing left but to
Cut ourselves loose...

...No one can hold a candle to you
When it comes down to virtue and truth
No one can hold a candle to you
And I dim next to you...

...No one can hold a candle to you
When it comes down to old-fashioned virtue..."

by Raymonde,
covered by Morrissey

always summer

"... it could be like this; just like this; always ..."



"...If only it could be like this always:
always alone; always summer;
the fruit always ripe;
and Aloysius always in a good temper!..."



Fantasy Impromptu in C sharp minor,
Op. 66 "Always Summer"
Andrew Johnston, BBC Philharmonic Orchestra
from the soundtrack to
"Brideshead Revisited"

Emily

"Emily" by Joanna Newsom





"... The meadowlark and the chim-choo-ree and the sparrow
Set to the sky in a flying spree, for the sport of the pharaoh
Little while later the Pharisees dragged a comb through the meadow
Do you remember what they called up to you and me, in our window?

There is a rusty light on the pines tonight
Sun pouring wine, Lord, or marrow
Into the bones of the birches
And the spires of the churches
Jutting out from the shadows
And the yoke, and the axe, and the old smokestacks and the bale and the barrow
And everything sloped like it was dragged from a rope
In the mouth of the south below

We've seen those mountains kneeling, felten and grey
We thought our very hearts would up and melt away
From the snow in the night time
Just going
And going
And the stirring of wind chimes
In the morning
In the morning
Helps me find my way back in
From the place where I have been

And, Emily - I saw you last night by the river
I dreamed you were skipping little stones across the surface of the water
Frowning at the angle where they were lost, and slipped under forever
In a mud-cloud, mica-spangled, like the sky'd been breathing on a mirror

Anyhow - I sat by your side, by the water
You taught me the names of the stars overhead that I wrote down in my ledger
Though all I knew of the rote universe were those Pleiades loosed in December
I promised you I'd set them to verse so I'd always remember:

That the meteorite is a source of the light
And the meteor's just what we see
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee

And the meteorite's just what causes the light
And the meteor's how it's perceived
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee

You came and lay a cold compress upon the mess I'm in
Threw the windows wide and cried, "Amen! Amen! Amen!"
The whole world stopped to hear you hollering
And you looked down and saw now what was happening

The lines are fading in my kingdom
(Though I have never known the way to border them in)
So the muddy mouths of baboons and sows and the grouse and the horse and the hen
Grope at the gate of the looming lake that was once a tidy pen
And the mail is late and the great estates are not lit from within
The talk in town's becoming downright sickening

In due time we will see the far buttes lit by a flare
I've seen your bravery, and I will follow you there
And row through the night time
So healthy
Gone healthy, all of a sudden
In search of a midwife
Who can help me
Who can help me
Help me find my way back in
And there are worries where I've been

And say, say, say in the lee of the bay, don't be bothered
Leave your troubles here where the tugboats shear the water from the water
(Flanked by furrows, curling back, like a match held up to a newspaper)

Emily, they'll follow your lead by the letter
And I make this claim, and I'm not ashamed to say I knew you better
What they've seen is just a beam of your sun that banishes winter

Let us go! Though we know it's a hopeless endeavor
The ties that bind, they are barbed and spined and hold us close forever
Though there is nothing would help me come to grips with a sky that is gaping and yawning
There is a song I woke with for my lips as you sailed your great ship towards the morning

Come on home, the poppies are all grown knee-deep I know
Blossoms all have fallen, and the pollen ruins the plough
Peonies nod in the breeze and while they wetly bow
With hydrocephalitic listlessness ants mop up their brows

And everything with wings is restless, aimless, drunk and dour
Butterflies and birds collide at hot, ungodly hours
And my clay-coloured motherlessness rangily reclines
Come on home, now! All my bones are dolorous with vines

Pa pointed out to me, for the hundredth time tonight
The way the ladle leads to a dirt-red bullet of light
Squint skyward and listen
Loving him, we move within his borders
Just asterisms in the stars' set order

We could stand for a century
Staring
With our heads cocked
In the broad daylight at this thing
Joy
Landlocked
In bodies that don't keep
Dumbstruck with the sweetness of being
'til we don't be told take this and eat this

Told:

The meteorite is the source of the light
And the meteor's just what we see
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee

And the meteorite's just what causes the light
And the meteor's how it's perceived
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee ..."

I Want To Be Transfigured By Peace

'The Transfiguration' by Sufjan Stevens

'Glósóli' by Sigur Rós

If You Ever Make A Mess, I'll Do Anything For You

"For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti"
by Sufjan Stevens

I've have called you children
I have called you son
What is there to answer
If I'm the only one
Morning comes in Paradise
Morning comes in light
Still I must obey
Still I must invite

If there's anything to say
If there's anything to do
I there's any other way
I'd do anything for you

I was dressed in embarassment
I was dressed in white
If you had a part of me
Will you take your time
Even if I come back
Even if I die
Is there some idea
To replace my life

Like a father to impress
Like a mother's mourning dress
If we ever make a mess
I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher
I have called you son
If you have a father
Or if you haven't one
I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you

I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you

For The End Of Each Day

...when the day is done,
down to earth then sinks the sun,
along with everything that was lost and won
when the day is done...

"I don't think he wanted to be a star. But, I think he had this feeling that he'd got something to say to the people of his own generation. He had a feeling he could make them happier...
...and he didn't feel he did that",
from a documentary about Nick

At Last I Am Born

At last I am born
Historians note: I am finally born
I once used to chase affection withdrawn
But now I just sit back and yawn
Because I am born, born, born

Look at me now: from difficult child,
To spectral hand, to Claude Brasseur
Blah blah blah ...

At last I am born
Vegetarians know, I am finally born
I once thought that time accentuates despair
But now I don’t actually care
Because I am born, born, born

Look at me now: from difficult little child,
To spectral hand, to Claude Brasseur
Blah blah blah ...

At last I am born, at last I am born
I'm living the one, true, free life, I am born
I once thought that I had numerous reasons to cry
And I did, but I don’t anymore
Because I am born, born, born

At last I am born, at last I am born, yes
It took me a long, long time but now I am born
I once was a mess of guilt because of the flesh
It’s remarkable what you can learn
Once you are born, born, born

Born, born, born
Born, born,
Born

;o)]

x